Yes, it’s that time of year.

Tomorrow, the Eurovision Song Contest Starts. Or, as I like to think of it. The Gay Hajj.

Like the Hajj, it involves going to countries you’ve never ordinarily been anywhere near, enduring hours of tedium in the hope of a religious ecstacy / handjob from a Moldovan backing dancer and potentially lethal crowd control issues.

Unlike the Hajj, this one comes with it’s own Drinking Game.

I’ve practiced this one for several years, and hospitalised several of my friends – who would have voted for Bosnia, so fuck ‘em – in the process, so here you go:

Derek’s Eurovision Drinking Game

Line em up, folks….

Wind Machine = 1 shot Vodka

Fire/Pyrotechnics = 1 shot Creme de Cassis

Giants/Dwarfs/Acrobats/Contortionists/Any other Circus Freakery = 2 Shots Tequila

Nursery Rhymes (“Moon”/”June,” “”Soul”/”Hole,” “Rodgers; Clodagh” / “Pink Pagoda”* = 1 Shot Gin.

Grizzled “gargles with razor blades” men of a certain age behaving in an unseemly fashion = 2 Baileys.

Magicians / Magic tricks = 2 shots Creme de Menthe.

Costumes that ‘do something’^ = 2 shots whatever’s to hand.

Twins = 2 shots Poitin

One of the Big 5 (ie Italy) putting forward a song that makes you wonder why they bothered = 1 Shot Grappa.

Folk Songs / Folk Dances = 1 shot Curacao

National Costume = 1 shot Peach Schnapps

Overt homosexuals on stage = 2 shots Creme de Banane

Overt homosexuals in the audience = 1 shot  Creme de Banane

Shirtless Male dancers = 1 sniff poppers

Greek Dancing or shouts of “Ooopa!” = 1 shot Ouzo

Lyrics that sound like a foreign language but turn out to be English = 1 Campari & Soda

Suggestions of tactical voters by bitter TV commentators = 1 shot Ricard.

*OK, the last might be worth 2 shots Gin. In Celebration.

^You know what I mean: Explode, vanish, turn into speedboats, shrink, change colour, are ripped off, puffed up, or torn to shreds by rabid wolves (we can only dream)

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